Should I Focus on Being Nice to People?
A short conversation:
Random Christian (RC): Should I Focus on Being Nice to People?
Me: No.
RC: Wait, what? Are you telling me I should NOT be nice to people?
Me: I’m telling you focusing on being nice is the wrong path. It’s not loving, and we are called to love.
The Problem with Nice
Let me give you what Vocabulary.com has to say about the word nice. “To be nice is to be pleasant and good-natured. Polite people and sunny days are nice. Nice people and situations are enjoyable and don't cause problems.”
You know what, I am generally pleasant to be around. I think I’m good-natured. I like polite people, we need more of them! I appreciate sunny days and things that are enjoyable and don’t cause problems. So, what’s the issue with nice?
I’ll give it to you in the three words at the end of the quote from Vocabulary.com, “don’t cause problems.”
So, should we cause problems? No. And yes.
Stick with me here.
Jesus Caused Trouble
Remember when Jesus overturned the tables of the money changers in the temple? That wasn’t nice. Remember when He called the Pharisees, “You brood of vipers”? Also, not nice. Or that time He called Peter, one of His closest friends and disciples Satan? Exceedingly not nice.
Here we have three examples of the “Prince of Peace” not being peaceful. He even told us once:
“Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division.”
-Luke 12:51 ESV
Jesus wasn’t always nice. Would you like to know one reason why? Tell ya what, I’ll give you two.
First Reason: Nice is limited. Second Reason: Nice is not loving.
Nice is Limited
Do you know where being nice comes from? Our own strength. Being nice is a conscious decision of the will (like much of what we do), but you and I cannot always be nice.
Our ability to be nice is limited to many factors. When we are tired, hungry, angry, annoyed, or any of several other states of being, our niceness runs low and eventually ends. You know it’s true and it’s clearly embodied in a statement you’ve probably heard many times, and maybe even said yourself.
“No more Mr. Nice Guy.”
When our emotions get the better of us, being nice often runs out. As an aside, rocker Alice Cooper even released a song called No More Mr. Nice Guy…but Alice Cooper became a Jesus follower, praise be to God!
None of us can keep up the energy of being “nice” when our circumstances or feelings change to be strongly negative…because being nice is all from our own strength. Nice is limited.
Nice is Not Loving
What did we read about nice people earlier? Oh yeah, they “don’t cause problems.” Is it Biblical to cause (or not cause) problems? Well, if you do a search throughout the Bible you can find many places where we are advised to be unified together. There are plenty of verses about encouraging, and being peaceful with each other. It seems like those are telling us not to cause problems.
But, here’s the truth. If something is in the life of a Jesus follower, or in a church, is in opposition to the clear instruction in the Bible, then we are absolutely called to bring it to light.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
-Matthew 18:15 ESV
In Matthew 18:15-17 Jesus gives instructions on dealing with someone who sins against you. It all starts with going to that person in private. Is it “nice” to confront someone about their sin? No. But is it necessary? Yes. Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault…”
This is just one example. There are many more where we are told to confront sin from another Jesus follower and in the church. Is that “nice”? Of course not. But do you know what it is?
It is kind.
It’s about Kindness, Not Niceness
We aren’t called to be nice. If you look at the fruit of the Spirit listed by Paul in Galatians, here is what you find.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”
-Galatians 5:22-23 ESV
Niceness is not a fruit of the Spirit, because being nice may result in overlooking sin so that we “don’t cause problems.” Hear me sisters and brothers. The goal of a Jesus follower is not to get along with everyone who claims to follow Jesus no matter what. The goal of a Jesus follower in relation to other people is to “love your neighbor as yourself.”
Showing love means being kind. And although being kind often looks a lot like being nice, when it comes down to it, sometimes kindness means sharing uncomfortable truth. In the sharing, feelings may be hurt. Someone who feels hurt by receiving necessary correction doesn’t see that as nice, but if they are listening to the Holy Spirit, they will see it as kind. And kindness doesn’t come from our strength, it comes as a fruit of the Spirit. It comes through the power of God within us.
Should you focus on being nice? No. Focus on being kind. Being nice and not being kind could result in someone you say you love going to Hell. But being kind can be the catalyst for someone you truly do love going to Heaven.
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Love you Jesus follower!