Should I Hate My Spouse and Parents?
Look at these words of Jesus.
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”
-Luke 14:26 ESV
Seems clear. I guess we should hate our parents, spouses, children, brothers, sisters, and even ourselves if we want to be disciples of Jesus. That’s what it says. And it’s not just that version of the Bible. Most other versions use the word hate.
Now, I’m guessing you might be thinking two things at this point:
There’s no way Jesus actually meant we’re supposed to hate these people.
I don’t really understand what he meant here.
FYI this topic was partially inspired by a recent message from our local church. But, as you’ll see, we will go into other areas.
What Jesus Meant
He meant what He said. But let’s dig in.
In English we have the word hate. According to Merriam-Webster hate means, “intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury. Extreme dislike or disgust.” In this passage the Greek word used is miseō. And in most New Testament passages where it shows up, it means pretty much what the English word hate means. But just like many English words, miseō has a secondary meaning. The secondary meaning is to “love less”.
You see this represented in the Contemporary English Version of the same verse.
“You cannot be my disciple, unless you love me more than you love your father and mother, your wife and children, and your brothers and sisters. You cannot follow me unless you love me more than you love your own life.”
-Luke 14:26 CEV
So, you might ask, “Should I just use the CEV since it is more accurate in this verse?” My answer would be no. Recently my wonderful brother-in-Christ Mario Rico asked me on LinkedIn how I select my Bible translations. Here is an edited version of my answer:
“I usually go with ESV because it’s a more precise translation of the original text than other modern versions (such as NLT or CEV). But if there is a specific point that is clearer, without losing accuracy, I occasionally use a different translation. Another factor is that my primary spiritual mentor uses the ESV more than anything else.”
Now, I will write more about Bible versions, but first I want to finish addressing the word hate in this verse.
Why is Miseō Translated Hate Here?
Two reasons. Reason number 1, elsewhere in the New Testament, miseō almost always means hate in the English understanding of the word. So, if Jesus said the word that means hate, then it’s accurately translated as hate.
Ready for the second reason? The second reason is what makes this verse so hard for us. It’s the shock value of the word miseō/hate! Jesus is talking to “great crowds” who were following Him. When the listeners heard Him say they had to hate their dearest loved ones or they could not be His disciples, that had to shock, and even offend them! Keep in mind, Jesus had already said that eternal life comes from loving God and loving other people. So, how could He also say to hate them?
Using the word hate probably really woke the people up…just like it really woke you up the first time you saw it in this verse! Even now, it may bother you a bit every time you read it.
Jesus used the word miseō/hate on purpose. Not because we should hate anyone in the main meaning of the word, but because our love for Him must be so much greater than our love for anything or anyone that there is no comparison! I love my wife desperately, and she loves me the same way, but our love for Jesus is incomparably greater.
Should We Talk About Bible Versions?
No. If you asked me what version you should use, I would probably suggest primarily using the ESV. Why would I suggest that? Because I did a fair amount of research, talked to people who are more spiritually mature than me, and determined it would be my version of choice.
What if you prefer a different version? Ok by me, as long as it accurately translates from the original languages and allows you to understand it so that it supports your spiritual growth. Will I tell you which versions to avoid? No. Do your own research. Am I being harsh? No. I’m speaking the truth in love. Let me explain.
Growth Requires Work
Here is the deal. For MANY years I would read a verse or a passage, pray a short prayer, and call that a “relationship” with God. If it was, it was a very surface relationship. And that lack of depth was all on me. But I’ve changed, thanks to four things:
The faithfulness of the Holy Spirit
Reading God’s Word in big chunks
Researching outside my physical Bible
Learning from more spiritually mature Jesus followers
(I could have added several other things to the list, such as attending church regularly, serving, generosity, fasting, etc., but the above list is where it all started.)
God didn’t call you just for your salvation. He called you to be fruitful and produce more disciples. That’s not going to happen if you remain like I was for many years…a surface level Christian, not a sincere Jesus follower. So, let me break those four down, and I’ll try to be relatively brief with each. Especially since in some of them I’ve already done a full blog post.
The Faithfulness of the Holy Spirit
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.”
-Matthew 7:7-9 ESV
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
-James 1:5 ESV
Take these and other similar verses seriously! I share thoughts about Bible verses and passages on social media almost every day. I often receive wonderful compliments (and the occasional negative response). And I do my best to give the glory to God! Why? Because every insight I have comes due to His faithfulness to keep His promises to give wisdom and understanding. Friends, I’m no biblical scholar, I’m just a guy doing my best to listen to the Holy Spirit and spread the Good News. But I ask all the time for Him to reveal to me what I need to hear…and what to share with others. He’s faithful to me and He will be faithful to you in this way…if you will but ask.
Reading God’s Word in Big Chunks
Do you have to read the entire Bible? I wrote a post on that one. But the short answer is, no. However, there are things you will discover only when reading long passages in context. There are hidden gems that are only found when you systematically work your way through the scriptures. For example, did you have any idea that Satan’s backstory and a summary of his future show up in Ezekiel 28:11-19? I didn’t realize it until my most recent read through the entire Bible.
I HIGHLY recommend that you don’t just read single verses all the time, but that you dig way in. And every so often dedicate a period of time to reading through the entire Bible. There are a lot of great plans for this as well as Bibles designed for that specific purpose. You’ll be amazed at what you find, even if you’ve read a passage many times. Remember, this is no ordinary book. God’s Word is living and active, and the Holy Spirit will show you new insights as you spend time in His Word!
Researching Outside Your Physical Bible
Hey, stop making your pastor and online Bible teachers do all the work of looking things up. In the last couple of blog posts I’ve shared Greek words with you and the meanings behind them. Guess what, I don’t speak or read ancient Greek. But there are online resources and books you can buy on it, as well on Aramaic, and Hebrew, the other original languages used in the Bible. Here’s one on the word love from John 3:16.
You can search other websites, blog posts, etc. for more information. One warning here. Make sure it’s a reliable resource that is true to the Word of God. Oh, I have to tell you, through the internship at our local church I was exposed to what may be my new favorite book on understanding the Bible. Don’t worry, no Greek to learn. It’s called 30 Days to Understanding the Bible: Unlock the Scriptures in 15 minutes a day. It’s filled with short lessons and will get you really excited and quickly educated about the Bible!
Learning from more spiritually mature Jesus followers
I recently wrote a blog post titled, What is Spiritual Maturity. I’d suggest checking it out if you don’t recall the details. But, just briefly, there are things I will not ever learn reading and researching on my own. There are insights that the Lord will provide through other, wiser believers. That’s why you should be attending and serving at a local church. It’s why you should also be reading outside the Bible.
If the Lord had planned on giving every spiritual insight necessary for your spiritual growth directly to you, then why would He have provided so much wisdom to other sincere Jesus followers? The fact that you’ve read this far in this post proves you’re open to learning from others, so jump in deeper! Again, make sure these are women and men who are solidly grounded in the Word of God and are themselves true Jesus followers.
In Conclusion
Ok, this has gone on long enough. But let’s just wrap it up with this. Should you hate your spouse and parents? Not in the way hate is defined in English. But yes, most certainly in line with the Greek definition where “hate” means to “love less”. Everything in our lives should be completely subject to and overshadowed by our full love of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
We should always love Jesus more than anything in our lives, including our own desires.
If you have follow-up thoughts, feel free to reach out to me directly via our contact form. Also, if you’d like to learn more about me and why I create all this content about following Jesus, check out my About page. If you love the content and would like to support this work, please visit Troy Stoneking (buymeacoffee.com). Finally, would you like to see a list of ALL our blog posts? Here it is!
Love you Jesus follower!